New Orleans, New Voices

New Orleans, two words, too much meaning behind them. It was the start of my third year there and my world was crumbling all around me. I was in New Orleans to complete fieldwork for my dissertation. The first two years were full of surprises, both positive and negative. However, this third year was something else. 

 I feel the need to back up and introduce myself. Since I am in academia and will be discussing some heavy, dark periods of my life, along with some delightfully light periods of my life, I prefer to stay anonymous and call myself Doc Z. I suppose that is a spoiler. You all now know I did, in fact, complete my dissertation, but you will want to stick along for the ride, bumpy would be an understatement. I am a thirty-something Black scholar who is navigating academia with severe mental and physical illnesses. 

 So, where was I? Oh yes, New Orleans. New Orleans was the first time I lived out of state from the people with whom I was raised and grew up around. I found the most wonderful friends there. Many of whom I still stay in close contact with. No matter how great my support system was though, I couldn’t go to anyone for help. It was November 2016 the voices started a month earlier. My body was so emotionally stressed that my brain betrayed me. “Are you going to get married without telling anyone?” I started hearing that in October. The first time I had auditory hallucinations as an adult was in the bathroom. “Are you going to get married without telling anyone?’ I actually answered. “What are you talking about?” I was confused and scared, but really more confused than anything. I wasn’t thinking “who was that and why are you in my house?” I was confused by the question. I painstakingly planned my wedding, sent out invites, and all that jazz. Even had the traditional falling out with my maid of honor. So, who in the heck is getting married without telling anyone? 

 The voices came more frequently as time went on. Various phrases were sprinkled into my everyday lived routine. I was an educator with a number of kids and coworkers around me. Needless to say, work was mentally exhausting when experiencing auditory hallucinations. I learned reality checks as time went on. If I don’t recognize the voice, must be my stupid brain betraying me again. At that time, it was still auditory and still fairly neutral in its messages. Some common auditory hallucinations were 

“what are you thinking?”, “Are you sure?” And my favorite, “think about it?” It was as if all my second-guessing literally detached from my conscious and became hallucinations. Looking back, it makes sense, I was in a very doubtful time. I was doubting everything, except my faith. “What are you thinking? What are you thinking? What are you thinking? What are you thinking?” The voice is relentless today. My brain fighting my brain. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I have never been super confident, but now I don’t trust myself. But to answer the question brain, I’m thinking I CAN NOT MARRY HIM!!! Boom, mic drop.