"Treatment"

I’ve been in therapy for about a month and I see my psychiatrist every week.  I’ve been diagnosed as either an agitated depressive or bipolar.  I fully understand why they call it a practice.  They’re folks experimenting on me.  I’ve been on every medicine for the crazies that you could imagine.  Let me share all the side effects.  Mind you, I don’t remember all the medicines I have been on, there’s been a lot. 

First medicine combination

I was on a mood stabilizer, but it wasn’t lithium.  Dr. Penny didn’t want to prescribe Lithium because then I would need blood tests a lot in the beginning and then every six months.  So there I was on this mood stabilizer.  If I wasn’t at work I was sleeping. I didn’t even eat.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I wasn’t hearing voices or seeing things because I was asleep.  Was that the goal? 

Second Medicine Combination

By this time, I was back in my ministry.  This includes a lot of walking.  My bible study conductor, let’s call her Netty, was working with me.   It felt like the world was moving in fast forward.  I couldn’t keep up.  I wasn’t talking slow, but I sure was moving slow.  Netty looked at me and she said, “Girl, why are you walking so slow?”  I was confused. I wasn’t walking slow or was I.  “I’m walking slow?” I asked sincerely. “Yes, unusually so,” she responded.  I took note and tried my hardest to speed up but I could not.  I did not know what was wrong with me.   My sister pointed it out when I got home.  We went to the gym and I was on the bike.  I pedaled so slow the machine did not even register is.  I called my doctor because I thought, I’m already crazy, now I have something physical going on.  Dr. Penny informed me that this is Bradykinesia caused by the medicine I was taking.  On to the third medicine combination.

Third Medicine Combination

I am not the most attractive person in the world, but I get by.  Starting soon after starting this medicine I got a tick.  My eye, cheek, or mouth would have tremors.  After some research, I learned this was Tardive dyskinesia. This neurological condition is caused by the long-term use of certain drugs used to treat psychiatric conditions. Tardive dyskinesia causes repetitive and involuntary movements such as grimacing, eye blinking, and other movements.  I was already self-conscious because of my mental health struggles, now my face was literally crazy. The sad thing is, this medicine combination was working the best.  I couldn’t write either, which was a big deal because I was writing a dissertation. 

Final Medicine combination (Kinda)

I was still dealing with the side effects and to be frank, I was still seeing and hearing people.  Invega was a miracle drug.  It was an antipsychotic that slowed down the voices so we kept it. Unfortunately, though, Chris was still alive and well.  This combination was “working.” By working I mean, the guinea pig, who is me, was still alive but not thriving.  

I had a dear friend named Lynn who knew me before all of this and she said I was a different person.  She was right. I was a fragment of my former self.   I knew my diagnosis did not match my experience because I was not getting better.